So, there was the graduation.
It was good but it also left me with some strange feelings I have to process. The main one is a state of elation before the event followed by an intense sense of loneliness when I found myself outside and no one was there for me.
I was aware of that and I still had colleagues and friends there, but they had their own family and friends over to celebrate their success. Part of me is always very proud of how I conducted myself: I was organised, I planned everything, all the paperwork and preparation was just perfect; I had my clothes, my make-up bag, my food, ... everything was planned to a T and everything run smoothly. But there was no one there to hug me. There were no mum and dad, a partner, or a friend from outside the university who came for me. I am always perfectly aware that I can do things alone. I always do things alone. I work, I clean, I take my car for a service and an MOT, I go on holiday, I cook for Christmas, I pay the mortgage and the bills... When I am sorting stuff at home or do major clearing out, I plan, I prep, I find the boxes, I do the job, and I remind myself that I have to stop to eat, so I cook, and eat, and clean after and then I go back to finish the job. I just would like at times someone who does the "thinking - cooking - reminding" just close by. Just someone around.
Well, I now have a degree. It took me some 35 years to be where I am but there is a sense of accomplishment and pride now, which fills my soul.
I'll take myself out for a meal, and celebrate my accomplishment, then.
Always : onwards + upwards,
mx
Comments