I have resigned.
I got to a point where the choice between doing what I was doing without feeling safe, or protected and living instead in constant fear versus the option of being without a job, money, or safety and still feeling more protected and safer by walking in the woods with no prospect at all was just so easy... I chose to leave.
[ps: this is going to be a bit of a long post...]
Some of the points I made in my resignation letter are the following:
- my roles as a coach [since 2007], recovery therapist [2012], eclectic existential psychotherapist [2016], and mentor [2018] have seen my practice always being grounded in education, which means allowing for growth, and not enabling limiting behaviours as it seems that this has become lately. My role as an ACADEMIC MENTOR shows that the purpose is for a STUDENT to finish one's STUDIES in the most comfortable way. As much as I do not feel responsible for a student not going into class, not handing in an assignment or even the final dissertation, or failing entirely, I do not feel responsible - nor do I want to feel responsible - for anyone’s paroxysm;
- I do not feel safe or protected in my role anymore because I feel I would tiptoe around any student, word, or sentence, with the fear of anything said that might be misconstrued, and in this way enabling limiting practices and behaviours which are detrimental for someone’s wellness, growth and especially their overall academic success which is still, at the bottom of everything, the final purpose of my role and, I presume, their enrollment at university. I was hoping to work for growth, expansion, autonomy, inspiration and progress and not to justify victimhood;
- my integrity and years of practice strongly demonstrate to me that enabling and hence protracting limiting behaviours which do not teach self-responsibility and mastery in people who come to us for help is actually akin to providing a tremendous disservice to their overall well-being and their future, almost comparable to offering Maleficience, in BACP terms, i.e. not avoiding harming the person we are working with.
There was a university rector or head of some department who once said that half of the students were meant to be there and the other half were only meant to be standing behind a counter handing out coffees or sausage rolls. Boy, she was right! Not everybody is meant to go to university; not all courses are meant for everyone. If someone is not able to perform at the university level, they should learn that life is not meant to be easy and that maybe they should try something else. Would you like to have a pilot who suffers from intense bouts of depression and panic attacks? What about a teacher? And a therapist? I have seen too many counselling students who are in tremendous emotional pain who go through these courses treating university and theory as a substitute for their own therapy. It doesn't work like that!
I am sick and tired of having people who provide explanations for their shortcomings and expect us to accept them as justification for not putting in the hours, doing the work and not learning to be responsible for their choices and actions.
Of course, it's eclipse season! And today is Friday 13th, the day dedicated to the Goddess! So, it is only fair that I cut ties and clear up my closet. I felt so light once I sent that email. Scared but mainly so light. I have other ideas I would like to pursue and one is of sessions where I can provide all of the above, but privately, within my already established private practice as The Resting Tree which I have been running for years now. The moment I sent out the letter, my mind was already filled with new ideas and projects and inspired to look for opportunities. Then I was asked to still look after the students I already had, which for the sake of the students [and my mortgage...] I agreed to and now... well, now I feel trapped again. Listen: no one is stopping me from creating the other sessions on the side, working to fulfil my dreams, but I feel I have been a chicken and buried my head in the sand and that I am a coward.
Even more so when on a random & very synchronistic chat with someone I met on my walks, the advice out of the blue he gave me was: always find the time to do what you like and love. Weird enough, but you know I like to be truthful and it is not weird at all, I just had my first intense craving for a cigarette in about 9 years! The first one now! In 9 years! This says a lot about the process that goes through someone's mind when feeling cornered. And a tad ashamed.
Y'all know what this means: more walking, more hugging and singing to the trees, more Artemis, more moving of energy, more Moon celebrations.
ad maiora!
onwards + upwards > out + about
mx
________________________
Date : 13 OCT 2023
Duration : 01:19:17 4,03 km
Steps: 5,397
Location : Turton & Entwistle Reservoir
Weather : windy & cold
T : 13° > of course, being FRI 13th!
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